In this vlog I talk about how I got to where I am today, the abuse I overcame, and my initiation into spirituality. Some of the things I talk about in the vlog are kind of dark and can be disturbing. I am sharing this with you to share with you my journey, and show you how dramatically I have healed and transformed my life. I have made a commitment to end the cycle of abuse inside of me and end the passing of abuse in my family.
I was born in Hastings Michigan. My family has lived there for over 150 years. It is a small rural town in Barry County. My mom was still in High School when I was born. Her senior photo is with me. My parents got married four years later and are still together. My dad never knew his real dad. His mom dated random alcoholics for years. One of them held him and his brother hostage in a hotel with a shotgun once. I come from a long line of alcoholics who beat their kids and wives (most of them are veterans).
When I was 3 or 4 years old I was sexually molested by someone unknown and it took me years to come to terms with it. At the age of 6 or 8, I was plagued with the fear of death, I would wake up in the middle of the night filled with existential dreed. I was constantly feeling this void, this nothingness, this emptiness that I later found out to be source/god.
When I was young I did also see ghost. I felt very overwhelmed by everything and everyone. I was very sensitive. It took me years to figure out how to deal with this.
When I got into middle school all of my friends left me, I had terrible acne that was made fun of every day. It left scars on my face that I still have today. By eighth grade, I was bullied every day by a group of people. I dreaded coming to school. I felt so nervous, it felt I was going to die every day.
This is when I started getting into black metal and eventually satanism. Satanism lead me to explore the occult. I found a website about satanism and started practicing meditation at the age of 13. From there I was able to open my third eye, develop physic powers, see auras, have telepathic communication. It was all very odd but now is part of my normal every day.
Also, at the age of 13, I started coming to terms with my sexuality. I realized I was gay. I was terrified of this. I came out to my friends first and then to my parents. It took me years to come out to the rest of my family since I knew my grandfather is homophobic.
In high school, I tried to be the best student I could, but I was betrayed by a friend and dealt a devastating blow that ended my interest in Satanism. By junior year I had become more reclused and focused more on music and making video games. Then by my senior year, my depression had taken me over. I tried to commit suicide my first semester by taking a bunch of pills and laying down in front of my mother who was sleeping on the couch. My last few thoughts before I thought I was going to die were absolutely terrifying.
By next semester after a brutal breakup, I met another guy that I started dating. We started drinking together. I picked up smoking as a regular habit. I became an alcoholic for about six months and I was done with that by the time I got to college.
When I got to college I decided to turn my life around. I got really into self-help which leed me back to spirituality in a more pure form. From there I lost 100lbs, quit smoking, quit drinking, cleaned up my diet, and healed on the deepest of levels.
So, from my freshman year till now I have been going hardcore into spirituality and have had insanely deep awakenings like I have never known. It blew away my past and helped me heal everything. I have become stable, secure, loving, compassionate, passionate, healthy, mature, and filled with gratitude. I have found redemption through all of this. I went from someone who was on the verge of total mental emotional collapse from all the abuse and trauma to being filled with so much love that I can help people heal from their own abuse and trauma.